I, Severus
by ManicGrace
Summary: The bond between Severus and Harry
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER:  I own naught but this computer, some cats, and the demons in my head.**

_Rated PG-13 for possible future entries.___

**I,  Severus**

I sit alone in my darkened chambers, staring into a dying fire.  Too much time on my hands. Too much time on my mind. The sounds of a Rachmaninov piano concerto reverberate throughout the room; yes, it is Muggle music; however, I find that it suits me. Dark and brooding. Complex.  A mask of beauty, disguising a torn, aching soul.  

How many nights have I spent like this, questioning my actions, my motives, even my existence? Every day, I face my only reason for going on with this miserable life. Every day, I look him in the eye and hurl insults at him as if I loathe the ground upon which he walks. Every day, his eyes reflect that hatred. And every day, I return to my chambers and weep in my heart, for it is by this act of loathing that I demonstrate my love for the son who has never known me.  I take another drink.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

            The son in question had just left Potions class with his two best friends. One was complaining mightily about the class (as he did on a daily basis).

"We didn't do anything! Our potion was bloody perfect! And he took points off for cheating?!?  He is the most"

"Ron!"  Interrupted Hermione. "Shut up."

Ron glowered at the girl. She would never let him insult the professors!  His glance darted to Harry, walking on the other side of Hermione. Unusually quiet today. Typically Harry tried to play peacemaker between his bickering friends.

"Harry? You're awfully quiet, what are you thinking about?"

Harry shook his head and sighed.

"It's nothing Ron. Please don't worry about it. What time is it? I'm starving!"

The three ran through the castle and slid to a stop in front of the portal to their common room. 

"Veni vedi dormi!" They all shouted together. The portrait of the Fat Lady swung forward to allow them access. Hermione headed off to the girls' dormitory.

"I'll be right back, guys. I just want to put my books down".

The boys nodded and headed to their own dormitory.  Harry watched as Ron's eyes suddenly widened in horror.

"Bloody hell! I left my Potions book in class! I'd better go see if I can get it. I hope Snape doesn't give me detention!" Ron left the room in a great hurry.  A few minutes alone, finally.  Harry let himself fall onto his bed and drew the curtains around it for a bit of privacy.  Staring up at the ceiling, he let his mind wander. Snape had looked…different in class today.  Maybe tired? Depressed?  The man had clearly been trying not to show anything other than his usual rancor toward his students,  in fact, if anything, he seemed more out of sorts than usual.  But there was definitely something causing it. Harry thought he could almost feel an aura of mind-numbing weariness emanating from the Potions master.  He knew Snape hated him, but Harry was still curious and concerned.  He made up his mind to go and see him tonight after supper.

Not that the logical part of his mind liked that idea. Trying to have a conversation with Snape was like inviting death. He'd probably end up with detentions for a month straight and losing 100 house points. Oh well.  

Ron came skidding into the room, panting.

"Harry? Harry! I've got my book and the git didn't kill me! Let's find Hermione and eat!"

Harry smiled to himself and stepped out to join Ron. 

"Didn't he yell at you or anything? Did you get detention? Lose points?"

"No." Ron looked thoughtful. "He just said to be more careful with my things from now on."

They met up with Hermione in the common room and proceeded to supper.  Harry stole furtive glances up at the staff table whenever he could. Snape was not speaking to anyone, not even Dumbledore. He just kept his head down and picked at his food. It didn't even look like he was eating.  He looked up briefly and caught Harry's eyes, then got up so quickly his chair was knocked over and stormed out of the hall.  Harry joined in a discussion of Quidditch with his friends after making up his mind to go see his professor later that night.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

            He knows something is wrong. He keeps shooting me that blasted curious gaze.  Why is it that the boy can read me like a book? Nobody else notices my frequent mood swings. Nobody except Albus, that is.  I hate this! Everything will be going along just fine, then suddenly it's all off. I'm restless, aggressive, feel like yelling at anyone who dares to come near me. The students get the worst of it, even though I try desparately to keep it to myself. Albus says I get "twitchy".  Usually when he says that, he's about to invite me up to his office for tea, which he invariably spikes with some sort of sedative potion to "help me relax". Those are the nights I spend in his office because by the time I finish my tea, I am incapable of walking without assistance. Tonight I do not want tea though. Tonight I wish to think about my son.  I think perhaps the time has come for Harry Potter to find out who he really is, and this thought strikes terror into my heart.   I need to speak with Albus about this. He will know how to go about this task. I suspect the boy will try to talk to me tonight and I am afraid of what will happen if he does, for I have no control over my emotions at the moment. I decide I'd better get to Albus now, before I can change my mind.  I know good and well the old coot is just waiting for me; sometimes I swear the man can read minds.  Getting up slowly, I wrap my black cloak tight around me and move to the door. Opening it,  I find that I am face to face with the cause of my unrest.  Harry stands with his hand in the air, poised to knock.

"Pro—professor?"  He stutters, his green eyes darting between my eyes and the ground.

"I – you – you looked like maybe you weren't feeling well. I was..concerned."

The boy speaks hesitantly. He fears me! My own son fears me! And I have caused him to fear me! I don't clearly understand what happens next. I hear myself screaming at the frightened boy. 

"What the HELL do you think you are doing Potter?! Were you never taught not to interfere with what does not concern you? Are you truly so stupid and ignorant as to believe you could ever be of any help to me? Get out of here! Now! Before I ---just LEAVE!!!"  My hand flies into the air of its' own accord and I hear the violent smack of flesh meeting flesh. Potter is trembling, backing away from me, his hand to his face and tears leaking from the corners of his eyes. Oh Merlin, what have I done?  I draw a breath with great difficulty, and notice that I too am shaking. 

"Potter.  Harry. I—I'm sorry. I never meant to.."  I look up in time to see him disappear rapidly around a corner.  

Flinging powder into my fire, I shout for Albus. His head appears immediately and the twinkle in his eyes vanishes as he takes in my disheveled appearance.

"Albus, please. I need you. I. I hurt him. I did not mean to, but I hurt him. He hates me…"  That's as far as I get before my knees buckle and I collapse to the floor, sobbing.  

The next thing I am aware of is Albus' comforting presence. He holds me and lets me cry, then tips my face up so that I must look him in the eye.

"It's time, Severus.  Harry must know the truth. And you must be the one to tell him.  You've proven tonight that you cannot keep this charade up any longer."

I nod. I know he's right.  I draw a deep breath and hold my head up.

"Tomorrow, Albus.  Tomorrow I will tell him everything."

Albus smiles sadly at me and conjures a cup of tea.

A/N: Alright then, is this a little better? My one reviewer was absolutely right, the first weeny paragraph I posted was utterly pointless. This may not be much better, but at least there's more to it. I will try to add to it by tomorrow. In the meantime, please R/R. Thank you !


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: I still don't own them.**

Many thanks to all who have reviewed! I think I've figured out the formatting issue, thanks to my brilliant Dima (you know who you are!)  I will update as quickly as time allows.

**Chapter 2**

            Harry stood nearly frozen in shock, his hand raised to his tingling cheek. Had his Professor really just slapped him? He looked down at his hand and saw a small amount of blood.  Not enough to worry about, but still…Professor Snape had just screamed at him and…hit him. Harry did the only thing he could think of: he ran.   He backed away from his apparently insane professor, then spun around and tore madly down the corridor, tears streaming down his face.  He had no conscious idea where he was going, he just ran until he dropped to his knees, unable to go on.  It was some time before he had enough control over himself to sit up and think about what had transpired between teacher and student.  

Not that thinking about it helped; Harry could not for the life of him find a reason to justify Snape's violent action.  He wondered if he should perhaps talk to the Headmaster. 

Hmm. Big if, talking to Dumbledore; did he really want to get Snape in trouble or just find out what was going on? But Dumbledore would understand; he understood everything! Harry supposed that such wisdom was only one of the benefits of being so old.  He stood up, wiped his eyes, and headed stoically to the Headmaster's office, ignorant of the fact that he did not know the password.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

He did it again.  I just woke up feeling like I've slept for at least two days, although I know that cannot be the case.  I glance at a clock on the mantle; ah, it's only been four hours. I just love Albus' "remedies".   I now have all night to sit here and figure out what I will say to my son in the morning.  If he'll have anything to do with me, that is.  I cannot believe I struck him!  Alright, Severus.  Take a deep breath and think. Beating myself up over something that cannot be taken back is pointless, as well as useless.  I must concentrate on making things right.  I told Albus I would tell Harry everything in the morning. He is going to hate me! Oh how I wish I could be a father to him! I love him, and now I'm going to lose him.  I have never liked myself much, but right now, I am really starting to hate myself. I can understand why my students call me a bastard when they think I cannot hear them.  Damn. I'm starting to feel aggressive again, and restless. I pace around the room like a caged lion, tugging compulsively at my hair.  I have to get rid of this aggression! I slam my clenched fist into the nearest wall. Great, yet another hole in the wall to repair. But the pain helps so I repeat the action, a bit harder this time.  Albus, I know I told you I would let you know if I felt this way again, before taking rash action, but these are extenuating circumstances, right?  I just cannot tolerate this, I'm going to explode!  I'm sorry Albus, but I have to do this. I reach for my silver dagger. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

            Harry stood before the gargoyle which guarded Headmaster Dumbledore's office. He was quite frustrated, having been standing there for at least thirty minutes spouting off various passwords, all of which failed. He was about to give up and sit down to wait when, with a low rumbling sound, the gargoyle shifted to one side and Dumbledore stepped out, looking curiously at Harry.  

"You've been here awhile, have you Harry?"

"Yes, Sir.  I, um, wondered if I could talk to you about something?"

Albus noticed the slight tremor in Harry's voice, and saw the bruise on the side of his face.  Harry looked beaten down and depressed.  Albus draped an arm around the boy's shoulder and guided him up the stairs toward his office.

"Of course you may, Harry.  Come in and sit down. Have some tea and tell me what is troubling you."

Harry fidgeted, his eyes darting around the room. Finally he looked up at the Headmaster.

"Sir, um, have you heard anything about where this bruise came from?"  he asked, touching the side of his face lightly.

"Harry, my boy, Professor Snape did indeed tell me what happened.  He is most regretful of his actions.  I think, as difficult as it will be for you, that you need to allow him to express this to you.  The time has come, Harry, for you to learn something of who you are and where you belong in this world."

Harry looked up at the last words, wondering at the almost jovial tone that had seeped into Dumbledore's voice. Sure enough, his merry blue eyes were twinkling away over the tops of his spectacles.  Harry sighed deeply and nodded.

"Alright, Professor. I'll listen to him.  But…"

Harry hesitated, looking at the ground.

"What is it child?" probed Dumbledore.

"Well, do you think…maybe you could stay with me? You  know, while I listen to him?"

Harry's voice grew even softer. 

"I don't really want to be alone with him."

Dumbledore placed a gentle hand on the boy's shoulder.

"I shall remain with you for as long as you like, Harry.  Why don't you stay in my office and wait while I fetch Professor Snape?"

"Thank you, Sir."

Harry made his way to an overstuffed sofa and sank into it wearily.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

            I feel better now. Oh, it still hurts. I doubt that this hurt will ever go away completely, but at least now I don't feel the need to hurl myself out of the Astronomy Tower window, as I did an hour ago.  I'd better clean up. No doubt Albus will show up wanting me to talk to Harry; it wouldn't do for either of them to see this bloody mess I've made of my arm.  I clean the wounds I inflicted on myself and wrap some gauze bandage material around my arm.  I realize I could simply heal them with magic, but I do not wish to waste my magical energy on my own inability to cope.  Also, this way the pain lingers. As odd as it sounds, the distraction of physical pain helps to keep my mind clear.  I have never done serious damage to myself, only enough to keep me from killing myself.  Just as I finish cleaning my dagger, I hear a sharp rap on the door. Just as I expected.  

"Do come in Albus.  Make yourself comfortable."

He looks at me, his eyes narrowing slightly. I wonder if can somehow sense what I have done. 

"Not now, Severus. There is someone waiting in my office with whom you need to speak."

What? Already? I told Albus I would talk to the boy tomorrow! I am not prepared for this! I feel a surge of panic rising within me and swallow hard.

"Severus.  Be calm. You can do this, and you must do this.  I have spoken to Harry and he is willing to listen to you. I will be there, for both of you."

I look into the older man's eyes. He meets my gaze directly, his blue eyes conveying understanding, comfort, and firmness all at once. He will not take no for an answer.  I steel myself for what is to come and draw my cloak about me.

"Very well. Let us go now."

"It will be all right, Severus.  You'll see."

The walk to the Headmaster's office has never seemed so long.  I march along behind him, wishing I could somehow sneak back to my quarters and knowing that it would never work.  Albus says not a word until we reach the stone gargoyle.  He turns to look at me and I suddenly realize I am shaking and having difficulty breathing.  Albus then does the one thing that never fails to shock me: he draws me into his arms and simply holds me.

"Be strong, Severus.  I know you love him, and he will come to know in time as well.  You will not be alone."

I lay my head on his shoulder and accept his strength and comfort.  All too soon, I hear his voice uttering the password and the gargoyle sliding open.  I draw myself up and proceed forth, Albus staying close behind me.  I will be strong, for my son and for myself.  Reaching the great wooden door at the top, I push it open and force myself to step into the room. Harry is already there.  He looks up at me with haunted, wounded emerald eyes, not saying a word. His face is pale and his cheeks are stained with grief. I catch sight of the bruise I left and feel my heart leap into my throat.  How could I have done this to my child?  I don't notice my knees buckling until I hit the floor, still staring at the boy. 

"Harry.  I am so sorry."  

A/N:  That took a bit longer than I anticipated. I got busy, and I also got stuck. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.  Again, I truly appreciate all who have taken time to review my work; please continue to do so. J  Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Enjoy your families!


	3. Author's Note

To All Who Have Reviewed My Story:

Thank you, thank you, thank you!  I'm getting so many wonderful, and helpful 

            reviews! You lot are the greatest!  I am grateful to those who are telling me 

            they are enjoying this, and to those who are giving me ideas and suggestions!

            I can't say it enough: THANK YOU ALL!!! 

Wow! I have already had 3 volunteers to beta! You guys are awesome! Now I'm off to work on chapter 3 some more!

Love, gracie


	4. Chapter 3

**Thank you to all my reviewers and especially my superfast beta! Sparks, you rock!**

**DISCLAIMER: Still not mine!**

**Chapter 3**

            Snape was on his knees before the Boy-Who-Lived.  Harry let out a bitter snort and briefly wondered if Hell had indeed frozen. The broken whisper that came from Snape distracted him from his musings.

"Harry.  I am so sorry."

Did he hear that correctly? Did this bastard who existed to make his life miserable really just offer up an apology?  Harry continued to stare at the broken man on the floor, not saying a word.  The emerald eyes no longer reflected hurt and confusion, but rather the cold fire of barely contained fury.   Harry rose to his feet and stood looking down on Snape.  He spoke slowly, in a low, almost even tone.

"Give me one good reason why I should even consider forgiving you."

Snape lowered his gaze to the ground.

"I cannot." Still a whisper, barely audible.

Harry could feel himself losing control. 

"You have hated, no, loathed me since the day I was born.  You hated my parents. You have gone to extremes to make my life more difficult than it already is. You have insulted me, insulted my friends, insulted a family I never even knew.  I tried to show you compassion and you repaid me with violence! And you dare to hope I might find it in my heart to forgive you?"

With every word, Harry's voice had risen in volume and pitch; he could no longer keep the anger from it, even his breathing was harsh and ragged.   Snape did not respond, but Harry could see that his normally pale face was absolutely white. He could also see suspicious looking moisture on the man's face.  

"Look at me, Snape!" Harry spoke forcefully now, his tone commanding. Snape obeyed slowly. 

"I will not forgive you. I hate you. You are a worthless bastard. Never forget that."

Harry stormed out of the office and ran noisily down the stairs.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

            Oh Merlin.  Now what? I can't move, can't hear anything but my son's voice telling me I'm a worthless bastard, and my own brain telling me he's right.  A soft voice breaks into my consciousness.

"Severus? Severus, calm down. Severus!"

Albus. Help me. I can't move, can't talk, can't even breathe. Please. 

"Severus. Relax, child. You're hyperventilating. Breathe slowly."

I hear him and try to slow my uneven breathing.

"That's it…take some deep breaths."

I try to do as he asks, but feel my stomach churn into my throat.

"Albus…sick" I hear myself croak.

A bucket appears in front of me just in time.  I heave violently, feeling like I'm turning myself inside out.  At last, it's over.  Without thinking about it, I reach for the knife I keep in my robes, with the intent of causing myself physical pain to distract me from my frenzied emotions.  A strong hand grabs mine before I can make the first cut. 

"No, Severus. This is not the answer." 

The knife is taken from me. I'm becoming fully aware of my surroundings again. Albus raises me to my feet and leads me through a door into his private chambers. As he guides me to a soft bed in the corner, I feel like a child again.

"Albus, I'm sorry. Please, I don't need to stay here. I don't want to impose on you."

He puts a hand up to stop me.

"Hush, child. You are under a great deal of stress and you just pulled a knife on yourself. And, I suspect that if I were to raise up your left sleeve, I would find bandages. Am I right?"

I nod slowly, ashamed.

"Then you do need to stay here. You are not imposing. I don't want you alone right now."

I sigh and obediently begin to change into the pajamas he keeps for such occasions as this.  He hands me a potion as I sit down on the edge of the bed.

"A sleeping draught. You need to rest tonight, for we will need to pursue this matter tomorrow."

I take it, groaning both at the foul taste and the prospect of tomorrow.  Ugh, I had forgotten how quickly this potion works.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Getting up was not an option this morning.  Harry's blankets weighted him down, making him feel as though he could drown in the heavy, comforting darkness.  He dreaded the thought of facing even his friends, let alone everyone else. Ron and Hermione always seemed to sense when he wasn't feeling quite right, and they invariably tried to coax him into talking about whatever was bothering him.  Today, he knew he wouldn't be able to tell them. Not that he didn't want to, but how could he explain something he really did not understand himself? No, today he would stay in bed. He could just tell them he was a bit under the weather; the flu had been making the rounds at Hogwarts, so he was certain they would believe that.  Sure enough, as he rolled over and snuggled deeper into bed, he heard his curtain being pushed aside and Ron's voice. 

"Oy! Harry! Better get up or you'll be late for Potions! C'mon!"

Harry groaned at the thought of that particular class. 

"I'm not feeling well, Ron. Going to stay in bed a while. Maybe all day. Tell Snape I died or something, that'll make his day."

Ron looked at Harry with concern. 

"You're sure you're alright, mate? Do you want to go to the Hospital Wing or anything?"

"No. I want you to leave me alone so I can sleep."

"Okay then. Uh...I guess I'll see you later. Feel better, Harry."

"Thanks, Ron."

Harry rolled over and lay on his back to stare up at the ceiling.  He was still angry with Snape, but he had a strange feeling that there was more going on than he knew about.  Snape had looked miserable, almost ill.  He knew he had not handled the situation well. Damn, the man had actually apologized to him.  Maybe he should at least try and find out the whole story before consigning Snape to eternal perdition.  He didn't think he could face him now though. Grabbing a quill and some parchment, Harry quickly inked a brief a note:

            _Professor Snape,_

_              I want to apologize for my response to you yesterday. It was uncalled for. I am still_

_            angry with you, but I accept your apology, and hope you will accept mine. I'm sorry for _

_            sending a note instead of talking to you, but I just don't think I can face you right now._

_                                                            Harry Potter_

Harry summoned Hedwig, his beautiful snowy owl, and fastened the note to her outstretched leg. 

"Take this to Professor Snape, girl. If you can't find him, I guess give it to Professor Dumbledore." 

The owl soared out the window silently, and Harry sat back to wait. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

            Blurry. My vision, my brain feels fuzzy, almost like a hangover.  Hmmm. I appear to be in Albus' chambers. I wonder if I stayed here of my own volition or if I was put to bed here. Since I cannot seem to remember, I would guess the latter to be true.  Glancing around the 

room, I spy a note on my pillow, in Albus' spidery handwriting.

            _Severus,_

_            You have the day off. Your classes have been cancelled and the students assigned an_

_            essay.  Please stay here until I return, as we have much to discuss._

_Dumbledore_

Yawning and rubbing my eyes, I emerge from the bed and wander around aimlessly. I

suppose I should get dressed, but I really don't feel like it just yet._   A tapping at the window catches my attention. Harry's owl?  Letting her in, I discover a note with my name on it. Clever owl, she is.  I am, to say the least, shocked when I read it. The note is an apology from Harry for his unpleasant reception of my apology.  Personally, I think he has every right to hate me, but I do appreciate the note.  Hedwig is staring at me; I suppose she wants to take an answer back to her master.  I think of asking him to come and see me, but recall that his note says he's not ready to see me yet.  I need to tell him who I am! I certainly can't put that kind of information in a note! I suppose I can tell him I'd like to speak with him and just leave it up to him as to when it will happen.  I compose my note and give it to Hedwig to deliver to Harry. _

As she leaves, Albus walks in. 

"How are you feeling this morning, Severus? You slept well, I trust?"

"Better, Albus. I did sleep well, thank you. Albus, Harry sent me a note."

I hand it to him and he reads it, nodding.  Before he can ask, I tell him of my response.

"An appropriate action, Severus, and normally I would agree; however, we can no longer put this off.  For his own safety, and for yours, Harry needs to know today that you are his father."

"What do you mean for his own safety Albus?  Why can it not wait until he is ready to face me?"

"Severus, you must trust me in this. I will summon Harry immediately and you can tell him in here."

I try to question him further, but he silences me with a look and proceeds to pen a short note to Harry, asking him to present himself immediately after lunch.  I sit down and commence trying to figure out exactly how to broach the subject at hand to my son. Albus has a house-elf bring lunch for us, but my stomach complains bitterly at the thought of food.  Not a word passes between us until Harry arrives. He looks unhappy, but not angry. I think he suspects that something is afoot.  Albus bids him sit down and then looks at me.

"Thank you for coming, Harry. I understand that you did not expect to be having this conversation for some time, but recent events have conspired to make it an immediate necessity.  Professor Snape has something to tell you, and I ask you hear him out. This is as difficult for him as it is for you, but as I stated before, it is something you must know today. After he has finished, I shall explain to you the reason for this."

He glances toward me, my cue to break the bad news. I take a deep breath and attempt to steady myself.  Harry is gazing at me expectantly.

"Harry. I have racked my mind trying to find a way to break this to you gently, and I cannot. So I will be blunt.  I am…I am your true father, Harry."

            


	5. Chapter 4

Hugs to all who helped me with this: Sparks, Cressida, Phoenix Child, Luna Rose, and Phoenix Angel!  Hooray for you lot! Thank you to everyone who has read and/or reviewed this story! Please keep those reviews coming, they help!! 

DISCLAIMER:  I own nothing. Especially not the characters and places contained

                              within this story. Someday I will write my very own story and it

                              will be ALL MINE!! Until then, please content yourselves with this.

**Chapter 4**

Harry blinked. Surely he had not just heard what he thought he had heard. No, it was only his mind playing tricks on him, right? Better confirm that.

"Um. I'm sorry, Professor Snape, I don't think I heard you correctly. Can you please repeat that?"

"I said that I am your father, Harry."

No. This could not be happening.  Harry's eyes flew wildly around the room, coming to a rest on Dumbledore. Surely, he would tell Harry this was all some horrible joke.  But he wasn't; he just looked at Harry in a sympathetic sort of way. It was true. Merlin, it was true. Harry looked back at Snape; he'd never seen the man look so bad. He was shaking and looked like it was all he could do to stay on his feet.  Had he just found out as well?

"How…how long?"

Snape's brow furrowed in confusion.

"How long have you known?" Harry was surprised at the steadiness of his own voice; he certainly did not feel steady.

Snape swallowed hard before replying, "I've known since the day your mother told me she was pregnant with you."

Harry was glad he was already sitting, since it saved him the trouble of falling into a chair or onto the floor.  He felt deflated, as if someone had just punched him hard in the stomach.   He couldn't seem to keep track of all the nearly incoherent thoughts ricocheting around inside his head.  

_My father. He's always known. He hates me; he's always hated me. I didn't have to grow up with the Dursleys. I didn't have to spend my first eleven years and the last four summers being starved, neglected, and worked to death. He knew and never told anyone! He didn't want me. _

That was the one that seemed to stick and hurt the most.__

_My father didn't want me. Didn't want me. Didn't want me._

Harry was losing the battle against his churning emotions.  He was vaguely aware of Dumbledore and Snape both staring at him, apparently awaiting his reaction.

"What? What do you want me to say?"  Harry's voice came out hardly louder than a whisper.

"Am I supposed to jump into your arms now? Call you 'Dad'? Listen to you explain to me why it wouldn't have been safe for you to at least tell me?  Listen to you explain why you forced me to endure those blasted Muggles for so long, letting me think that they were my only living relatives? How am I supposed to react to this? What do you want me to say?" 

For the second time, perhaps in his entire life as far as Harry knew, Snape apologized, "I'm so sorry, Harry. I…I never meant to hurt you. I know I did. I'm sorry."

Snape slowly turned around and walked out of the office.  Dumbledore watched him leave, his wizened face etched with sadness.  He walked over to where Harry sat, pulled the unresisting boy to his feet and enveloped him in a hug.  Harry realized he was crying.

"It's all right, dear boy, let it out. You've had quite a shock."

Harry pulled back to look into his Headmaster's blue eyes. "You knew, too, didn't you Professor?"

It was an accusation, and Dumbledore knew it. "Yes, Harry. I have known all along."

Harry broke free of Dumbledore's grip and turned away from him.  The logical part of his mind insisted that there was a good reason for this. "Professor, why was I never told? Please tell me the truth, because I really don't think I can handle any more lies, even if they are for my protection.  I just lost my identity; I don't know who I am anymore.  Please sir, the truth."

Dumbledore inwardly marveled at the boy's strength of character. He had half-expected him to run out again. "Very well, Harry. You deserve the truth and you will get it; however, I am not the one to tell you. If I am not mistaken, I suspect your father is just outside the door." 

Dumbledore had moved to the door as he spoke, and as he opened it, Snape stumbled in, looking startled and recovering his balance barely in time to avoid falling into the office. "Severus, your son is prepared to hear the truth. Would the two of you like to be alone, or do you want me to stay?"

Harry and Snape looked at each other. Snape nodded in deference to Harry. "Could you stay nearby, but not actually in here, sir?"

"Certainly, Harry. I will remain at the foot of the stairway until called for."

Harry suspected this was to keep either of them from running away again. Dumbledore left, shutting the heavy door behind him.  Harry looked at Snape again; he was fidgeting and chewing his lip nervously.

"Well, You're waiting, so I suppose I had best get on with it."  Snape looked down at his hands and sighed, then back up at Harry. "I know this will be upsetting, Harry, but please try not to interrupt. After I have finished, I will answer your questions to the best of my ability."

Harry nodded.

"All right then. First of all, I want you to know that I loved your mother. I loved her more than my own life. And I love you. I have always loved you, although I have never shown it. I never married your mother; we had an affair after she was already married. It was brief; the physical part of our relationship lasted only one weekend. We both knew it could never last, so we ended it after that weekend.  She sent me a message two months later, saying she was with child. She was terrified of what her husband would say, let alone do, if he found out.  She told me he would force her to terminate the pregnancy. I could not allow this to happen, not to her or to my unborn child. I told her to pretend it was her husband's child and that she had never met me, thinking that her husband would never know the difference.  It was only later that I found out she was trying to get me to offer her marriage and a way out of her current unhappy situation."

Snape hesitated for a moment, then continued, in a slightly lower voice. "Although I did not know it at the time, Harry, it was because of my actions that you were mistreated for so long.  I left. I thought that it would be easier for her if I just vanished.  She never heard from me again after I told her to pretend you were fathered by her husband.  The rest of the story I discovered after it was too late to do anything about it.  Your mother carried you to term and delivered you in the usual way,  but your appearance was so far removed from her husband's that she was unable to keep up that particular pretense.  Instead, she told him that you were the product of a rape.  This story he bought with no problem, since he was convinced of her undying faithfulness to him."

The last line was delivered with just a bit of Snape's trademark sarcasm, and a slight smirk.

"They hated you, Harry. For different reasons, but they were united in their hatred. Your mother hated you because she hated me for leaving. Her husband, obviously, because of what you represented to him. He convinced your mother that keeping you would be the worst possible thing they could do.  The end result was that you were legally adopted by your aunt and uncle. They cherished you, although I'm sure you don't remember. After their untimely and violent demise, you were returned to your mother, under the guise of being her nephew. That secret has been kept by me and Professor Dumbledore for all these years. Snape paused and looked at Harry strangely, almost expectantly.

 "There, Harry, are the pieces of your life. I will leave you to put together the puzzle."

Harry had grown paler with each revealed secret. He knew what Snape was saying.  He didn't want it to be true, but it made too much sense.  His aunt and uncle hating him all this time, the Sorting Hat wanting to put him in Slytherin rather than Gryffindor; it all made sense. The only thing he could not figure out was why his father had treated him so cruelly all this time. 

"You are my father…and Aunt, no, Petunia Dursley is my mother." Harry was cold with shock and dizzy with this new knowledge. He tried to stand up, stumbled toward Snape, and crumpled to the ground in a dead faint.


	6. Notice

Hullo All:

            This is just to let anyone who happens to be interested know that I am working on chapter 5.  I'm back in school now, with exams looming over my head like a storm cloud and way too much calculus homework for my taste, so it will take a bit longer.  Also, I am doing some major revisions to what I had written of chapter 5.  Hopefully you will all find it intriguing and enjoyable! J

Cheers! 

Manic Grace


	7. Chapter 5

Thank you bunches betas and reviewers!!!!!!!  Without going into detail and thus, giving away the plot, development of a particular character  is in honour of Phoenix Angel.

Rah: Harry's appearance really is not pertinent to this story, but since you asked, I hold 

genetic variation responsible. If you don't like that, feel free to imagine that              Severus and James are distantly related.  If you have questions about the          possibilities of genetic variation, feel free to email me; I love genetics! J

**DISCLAIMER:  I have not magically acquired the characters or places in this story.**

**Chapter 5**

            I freeze as my child sinks to the floor. What do I do now? Should I hold him, or just let him lay there? I settle for shoving open the door and yelling for Albus.  By the time I look back at Harry, he is already coming around. I maintain my distance but continue to watch him.

"Harry? Are you all right?"

He looks at me fuzzily.  "I suppose, considering that I just found out that my parents are not only alive, but hate me more than anyone except Voldemort." He shakes his head slightly, presumably to clear it. 

I open my mouth to say something, I'm not sure what, and discover that there is nothing for me to say.  I have given Harry the biggest shock of his life and I must let him decide how to handle it. 

"Um. Professor, thank you for being straight with me. I don't mean to sound rude or anything, but I think I need some time to, er, sort things out." He stands, looking at me for a moment longer, then turns to leave just as Albus walks in the door.

"Severus? Harry?"  Albus looks from me to Harry and back to me again.  

"I told him everything, Albus. I think he needs some time to himself to think about it all."

Harry glances at me. "Thanks, Professor".  He turns away again.

"Harry, wait.  Before you go, I need to tell you one thing."

He looks quizzically at me.  

"I don't hate you, Harry. I promise you, I don't hate you."

The boy nods and leaves.  I sink back into the chair I had previously occupied and drop my head into my hands.  Maybe we both need time. I feel Albus' eyes on me and lift my head.

"It was hard on both of you, wasn't it Severus?"

Not trusting myself to speak without breaking down, I nod. I rise with the intention of heading down to my chambers in the dungeons.  

"Severus."  

"I'll be fine, Albus.  I just need to figure out what happens next."

"I'll be here if you need me, Severus."

Like Harry, I nod, then take my leave.  Even from here, I can hear a bottle of Fire Whiskey calling my name and I have every intention of answering.  

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

            Albus sat down wearily at his desk.  What a day this had been, and it wasn't even time for supper yet!  Thank Merlin it was Friday; he had a strong suspicion that Severus would be well and truly intoxicated before the evening was out. The worst of it was, there was still more bad news to be brought to light.  He hadn't had a chance to tell them about Voldemort.  He was surprised Severus did not already know that the evil wizard knew of the relationship between him and Harry.  It seemed as though Voldemort was keeping this knowledge as some sort of trump card, to be played when it would do the most damage possible.  He would have to find a way to protect them both. Severus in particular, as he lived in a most precarious position of spy.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

            Ugh. I have managed to put away an entire bottle of this swill and am diligently working on a second.  Albus disapproves of my "drowning my sorrows" in this manner, but right now, I really do not care.  My mind insists on reliving some rather painful memories and if I did not numb myself with alcohol I would probably have to resort to suicide.  I promised a long time ago that I would never do that, so I must settle for this instead.  Not that suicide would honestly be a better option; it would only deprive Harry of yet another parent. Just what he needs, I'm sure. At least he had one year with James and Lily; one year in which he was loved as every child should be loved.  I don't know, perhaps I can make amends.  Merlin help me, I do love my son.  All I have to do is convince him. I chuckle to myself.  I have a unique ability, when I am inebriated, to maintain coherent thoughts and speech, even when I cannot stand up on my own and said speech is slurred I grimace. Nasty stuff, this Fire Whiskey.  I would never drink it for pleasure.  Keeping the half-empty bottle with me and grabbing a third for good measure, I attempt to stumble across the room to my favorite chair by the fire.  Hmmm. Well, I'm close. I find myself on the floor by the sofa instead.  Feeling memories crash over me like a wave, I drain the rest of my bottle and throw it across the room, where it shatters against a wall.  The tinkling of glass gives me a moment's satisfaction.  I stare into the fire, mesmerized, and allow my muddled mind to drift until one clear thought invades my consciousness and refuses to leave.  My decision is made.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

            Harry sat quietly, picking at his supper as Ron and Hermione talked over and around him.  He was too preoccupied with his thoughts to notice when they both fell silent, staring at him in consternation. Finally, Hermione spoke.

"Um, Harry, is something bothering you? You haven't said a word all night.  Do you want to tell us what happened in Dumbledore's office?"

Harry clenched his teeth slightly, trying to decide if he should tell them. He was pretty certain that Ron would keel over at the news, but Hermione would probably take it in her usual levelheaded manner.  
  


"Later. I'll tell you both when we have some privacy."

Hermione looked doubtful.

"_Really!__  I promise, I will!"_

Ron and Hermione nodded and attempted to join in the casual conversation around them.  Harry tried to eat and look normal.  Risking a quick glance toward staff table, he saw that Snape was conspicuously absent.  He nudged Ron.

"Let's go now, Ron. I want to get this over with."

Ron nodded and got up as Harry pulled Hermione up by the wrist.  They followed Harry as he practically ran toward the Astronomy Tower.  All three were panting by the time they finally reached their destination.

"Alright, Harry. What is going on with you?"  Ron managed to gasp out.  Hermione just looked at Harry with wide eyes.

"You guys have to promise me you won't freak out.  What I have to tell you is weird, really weird."

His friends nodded their assent.

"Okay.  Here it is. My mum is my aunt, or, my aunt is my mum…"  Harry was shaking slightly, rapidly losing his composure.  "No, I said it wrong. Lily and James Potter were not my parents.  Petunia Dursley is my mother and –", he hesitated, "Snape is my father."

He waited for the reaction he was sure would come and was not disappointed.  Ron flew into a nearly apoplectic fury while Hermione settled for sitting down hard on the floor. Harry decided to go ahead with the entire story while he had their attention. That way they could deal with it all at once and have it over with.  When he finished, the room was filled with stunned silence.

"You do know that you cannot tell anyone what I just told you, right?

"We won't." Ron and Hermione said together.  Hermione gently touched Harry's hand.

"And you know, Harry, that if you feel like talking about anything, we're both here for you, right?"

Harry smiled weakly.  " Yes.  I do know that. Thanks, Ron, Hermione. I think I'm going to head to bed a bit early; I'm exhausted."  Harry's words were punctuated by a mighty yawn.  He and Ron headed for the boys' dormitories and Hermione for the girls'. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I storm into Albus' office without even knocking; I need to tell him of my momentous decision before I have a chance to change my mind.  Fortunately, Albus is accustomed to my graceless manners.  He looks up, completely unruffled, as I barge through the door. 

"Ah, Severus. I was hoping to see you this evening.  There is something you should know.  Voldemort has found out that Harry is your son."

I feel the blood drain from my face.  This could put a serious damper on my plans.  No, I have set my course and I will not turn back.  I steel myself to the news and tell myself that I am not surprised.  I do not respond to what he has just told me and proceed with my prepared speech.

"Albus, I can no longer do this." The slight, almost unnoticeable furrow of his brow tells me that there is no question in his mind as to the matter of which I speak, yet he will ask.  He will want to hear me say it. I decide to satisfy him before he can ask.

"I can no longer spy for you, Albus.  I have a son now. How can I be a father if  I am constantly running off to Voldemort and returning nearly unconscious?"  I fall silent, hoping against hope that the response I get is not the one I fear.  Albus gazes at me, his expression inscrutable. 

"Severus. I am not sure what to say." 

How about saying that of course I cannot be expected to put myself at such risk with a child to care for now? How about telling me I will have my hands full being a father for the first time and that Harry and I will have all the protection we need?  I groan inwardly, knowing that this is not what I am about to hear.  I somehow feel, deep inside my dark soul, that he will have no use for me if I refuse to spy.  I meet his ice-like eyes, knowing that the next words he utters could well mean my end. He opens his mouth to speak.

"Severus, I wish I could tell you that there are other spies, that you are free to devote yourself to fatherhood. I can certainly understand why you would want to change your  lifestyle, but the truth is, I need you.  Without you gathering information from Voldemort, I would be unable to adequately maintain the defenses at Hogwarts, and more importantly, I would be unable to effectively protect your son.  If you choose to withdraw your assistance, I will have to find another to replace you, and for that reason I will be forced to withdraw the protection Hogwarts has offered you." 

He looks at me, waiting for it to sink in.  I can hardly believe what I am hearing, even though I secretly suspected it! The bloody fool is threatening to dismiss me from my position as Potions Master if I quit spying for him!  

"So you are saying that if I wish to care for my child properly, and give him the love he has never known, I will be dismissed?"

"I would hardly put it so cruelly, Severus, but yes. You will have to leave."

"Albus! You know that if I leave your protection I am as good as dead! Why would you do this to me? You have always told me that you love me as a son, but it was a lie, wasn't it? I am merely a tool, as is Harry, to serve you until we are either killed or live out our usefulness."  I close my eyes briefly against  the rising flood of panic I feel. 

"I am sorry, Severus. I am well aware of the ramifications of this decision, especially now that Voldemort knows about you and Harry.  Be assured that, even should you choose to leave here, Harry will still be protected."

I am at a loss for words. I feel a red haze of fury settling over my heart.  How in the name of all that is good can I be a father to Harry and a spy for Albus?  I voice this concern once I have regained control of my tongue.

"That, Severus, is a question only you can answer.  I agree that would be nearly impossible to be a father and a spy. Especially considering the condition in which you so frequently return and the risk you take each time of not returning at all." Albus sighs.

I see a possible out and pursue it.  "Perhaps a compromise could be reached?"

His eyebrows raise; good, he is at least listening. 

"Perhaps I could take a break from my spying duties, just until Harry and I have had a chance to acclimate."  I realize I am very close to pleading, but it cannot be helped. Desperate times call for desperate measures, as the saying goes.  Albus appears to be thinking it over. How I despise that man right now!

"Perhaps, Severus, perhaps.  I will consider it and give you my answer within a fortnight."  He folds his hands on his desks, signifying that he is ending the conversation.

As much as I hate to accept this answer, I really do not have much of a choice, considering my only other option is to leave Hogwarts tonight.  I have nowhere to go and he knows it.  He speaks one more time.

"In the meantime, Severus, you will continue to teach, and until I give you my final decision, you may cease your extracurricular activities.  I would also ask that you not tell Harry anything of this conversation."

I am trapped and I know it. I can do nothing but agree to his "requests". I nod and take my leave, heading down to the comforting darkness of my dungeons, knowing that I will not sleep this night.


	8. Final Author Note, Please Read

To Anyone who reads this:   
  
I will most likely not finish this story. I've recently returned to school to start the long process of hopefully  
earning an MS or PhD in chemistry and, because my BA is in music, I've had to start from the beginning.  
This means a lot of hours devoted to studying and sleeping and not many left for writing.  
  
In the event that I do continue, Dumbledore will not continue to be a bastard for all eternity; he's only   
going through a phase. I know some readers were concerned about this weird behavior on his part.  
Please understand, this story is an experiment for me. I have attempted to come up with the most bizarre  
ideas possible and turned them into a story of sorts. Thus, the Petunia thing and the Dumbledore thing.  
If you don't like it, that's fine with me. I do appreciate honest opinions :)   
  
If anyone is interested in seeing this plot out to completion, please feel free. Maybe someone can set all  
the weirdness straight :) I'm kind of curious as to how it will end myself; I wish I had the time to play with it!  
  
Anyway, I'm going to shut up now. Thanks very much to all who have read and reviewed!  
  
ManicGrace 


	9. Yet Another author note good news this t...

OK, guys. Due to a number of disgruntled comments I've received, I will attempt to finish the story. See? I'm such   
a softie! Please be patient with me though, as I really am pressed for time. I'll peg at it bit by bit. Originally,  
I thought it would be a VERY short piece. That's why I decided to go ahead and start it despite the fact that I'd   
starting school soon. That's for the person who wondered why on earth anyone would start a story they didn't  
intend to finish. I really did intend to Zinger! The characters got completely out of my control!   
I will do my best. I'm going to have to spend a little time becoming reacquainted with it tough. I will attempt to   
update within the next week.  
Not-So-Terribly-Manic Grace. Heck, the grace part is negotiable as well. Nah, I named myself  
after a tiger I know. Tigers can do and be ANYTHING THEY WANT. Who's gonna argue?  
Look at me babble. I'm shutting up effective immediately. 


End file.
